Hope both of you are forever in love. =)

Lemme share you a secret.

I have been stalking this kakak as soon as I found her blog.
It has been for quite some time now.
Tapi takdela I follow her blog sangat.
Only the part where she shares about her happy marriage life.
Recently die baru ade baby tau...!
Lagi laa super sweet. ^o^

Please don't assume me as a scary person eh.
I met this kakak at my best friend's house, usually dia selalu buat open house.
So that's how I met her.
She's actually married to my friend's brother.
And both of them look so happy.
A very super sweet young couples.
I think because the brother is really full of humour, he is really funny.
And that kakak is super sporting, waah, couple yg sangat comel..!!!!

So masa first time jumpe her FB account, she didn't really private-kan the photos.
And most of the photos is about her humble small family of her own.
Every photo mmg nampak both of them are happily married and in love.
Then from there I found her blog.

Inside her blog lagi la banyak stories. hehehe~

What I mean by sweet is that...
Her husband is going through a tough time sbb injury.
But no matter what she's always supporting & always by his side. =)
Until when the husband semakin pulih sekarang, then he become more motivated to try his best to fully recover himself for the sake of his beloved wife & their new 10 month old baby.

I don't know why, but I find it so inspiring to know that even when we feel that getting a happy marriage nowadays is tough, but somehow there's some couples out there who are just living a humble life, but that life is so fulfilling & wonderful.
That was the beauty part of it.
The simple traditional marriage, husband works hard, wife stay by his side & support him til the end.
And children just adds more joy.
Nothing in the world can make a mom and dad more happy other than the happiness their children brings. =D

So I hope both of you have an everlasting marriage, no, everlasting love life, together happy & in love forever.
I so envy you kakak! hehehe~

when two have met the right one, then nothing else seems more complete.

I guess it's true when they say "what you don't know won't hurt you."
at the same time I'm trying to find answers on my own.
so far it's been really painfully painful. _(_ _)_
it's surprising how people can really %^&&*()))*&^ something they don't even know the truth about it.
still, I still want to know the truth no matter what.

I know its dangerous to be involved with adult games.
But I need to have a clear mind, that is by finding out.

It's my life too.

Hahaha.

The Petite Dessert Test

You Are Flamboyant

You've been known to be audacious.
You are totally daring and completely unashamed of failure.
You need to be with someone who worships you.
You like to be put on a pedestal.
You don't hold grudges - getting over little fights is no problem for you.
You definitely turn heads every place that you go.
You have an enviable style and grace.

Hahahaha.... I thought all I had to do was just pick the dessert that looks most appealing...?
What's with statement in red for...? hehehe... oh well~

The Jerk. Part 2 : Guy A.

WHY CAN'T THE WORLD UNDERSTAND THAT I SUCK IN RELATIONSHIPS.....?

~~ Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaha ~~~

______________________________________________________

Suddenly kan rasa lemau pulak nak sambung post ni.. hahaha~

Aku ni memang kena ketok kepala cket.

But I'll try  my best!!!

Okay. To make things clear, I have to put a ground into this. 

(1) I have always been single.

(2) Yes, I have break a lot of hearts. (Not to say yg I ni soo special la... hahaha~)

(3) I have no idea what 'first love' is suppose to feel like.

(4) Aku mmg senang minat orang, but susah jatuh cinta dengan someone. But when the person is gone, or taken away, then I will feel the loss.

(5) And Love or Relationship is Not an easy thing for me.

- Each number will be relating to Guy A to Guy E. I mean Story (1) will be about Guy A, and the list goes on. hahaha~

So akan ku explain satu2...

(1) I have always been single.

Panggilah diriku ini penipu, dusta, pape je la. Tapi hakikinya aku mmg tak pernah. I know some of my old friends may say that 'whoever before' was my boyfriend, they are wrong, cause they don't know the real story. Because I couldn't care less of explaining before, so I biarkan je la...

My old friends will claim to say that I actually had a boyfriend in Form 3.

But here's my share of what had happened.

Yes. Back in secondary school in SMBB, I had so many guy friends. Some, I would consider them as abang angkat, coz most of them are 2 years older than me. It's totally fun to hang out with them, and not a gedik kinda thing okay... I know I have been despised by many female seniors in school cause I have so many guy friends. But, who cares!

So one time Guy A wasn't even in the picture. He was just a friend of my friend punya crush back then. Trust me, aku memang seorang yg berani. My friend wanted to confess her feelings to this senior, but she was too shy, so somehow I stepped into the picture. I make friends with the senior's twin & his friends to settle the job, at the same time that's how I met Guy A. So at first, kita kawan2 je laa... I thought it was a totally harmless thing to do to be friends with him, since cause I am so close to soo many seniors (my abang angkats) anyways. 

Until one day, he confesses that he likes me through the phone.

That was the First time I have to go through this stage of Love-Like thing, so I literally HAVE NO IDEA what to do about it. I seriously don't have the same feelings towards him, but since I am too blur to handle the situation, I just let it be.

I didn't give him any answers whether it's okay for us to be in a relationship or not, at the same time rejecting him so suddenly would not be so nice either. So to be polite, I just layan him the same way... But he already thought of me differently. He thought we were together.

At first I was okay with him to be in his fantasies that I was his girlfriend, even though there were soo many times I tried to convinced him that I am not, I want him to take it slow, but he was too absorbed into His idea of what love is, and it ended up that I have no stand at all. He couldn't see at what was real, what wasn't. I was trapped. 

Still, I was able to stay patient and go with the flow.

Apparently he told the WHOLE school that I belong to him, so nobody can really kacau me. Oh yea, did I missed the part where he was the 'samseng sekolah'... hahaha~ Yup. I guess I did skipped that part. He is budak yg bermasalah disiplin, he thinks it's cool to be that way. While at the same time, I was a Prefect (Pengawas!). Wow. Ethical dilemma much.... hahaha~ He will always go against the prefects, break the rules, but when I am around, tetibe ubah jadi budak baik pulak. Ikut arahan. But behind me, ceh, berubah balik.... Hairh... It's kinda hilarious la. But anyway, it was still fun while it lasted.

Then slowly I couldn't take it anymore.

Along the way since he was busy preparing for SPM, while I am busy preparing for PMR, there were less contacts. Don't get me wrong, it was a total relief for me... I need to get out of his presence, I need the free time without him. And that was how it had gotten worst. So I pun kurang la contacted him...

Remember the part where I said that I have so many guy friends in school, yea I actually do have a very dear best friend as well (who is apparently a guy) at that time. And since he is my best friend, memang la we sangat rapat, even before Guy A came into existence, my best friend & I mmg slalu hangout... Sometimes slalu berdua coz both of us prefects... Sampai the whole prefect board thought that we were actually dating. Tak dating pown, but layankan je la mulut2 org2 nih.... Malas laa nak layan gossip murahan... hahaha~

I don't know how rumors can actually turn ugly, but because of this, Guy A became more possessive, senang sangat jealous, and was sooo controlling of my life.... He literally suruh I jgn kawan with my best friend (which is the most TABOO word a guy could ever say to me. Never let me choose between a Guy & my close friends, it's just too OBVIOUS that I will choose friends regardless).

And every little things that I do, he has to know, and mmg dia sgt cepat jealous, even when I hang out with the seniors & my abang angkats, which some mmg his friends pown, itu pown nak interrogate macam2.... What the heck?!

Lama2, I pown makin benci kat dia.

Towards the end of the year, when exam nak dekat, percayalah I was kinda heartless already. Banyak kali dh explain that there were nothing between us, still tak paham. Still in his fantasies... Who am I, just an ornament to show off ke...? Tak pernah nak listen to me. So mmg lama2 I fed up. Dia dah sampai plan nak kahwin dgn I lepas habes sekolah, cerita about the future, I dh mula gabra... omigaad... Camne nak cutoff ni...? Cakap pown tak lepas... Rimas...!

Somehow at that time jugak, one of my abang angkat voices out his opinion, his disliking of me being with Guy A. Apparently this abang angkat mmg benci giler kat Guy A. He adviced me like an abang la, suruh I think carefully, be careful with this Guy A. I guess they both had their own stories  before I was into the picture, and finally I faham why Guy A pown tak suka I hang out with this abang angkat. I dunno what his motive was, but I feel like this abang mcm nak protect I laa, he was like saying yg Guy A will do anything la, don't trust him la, he knows Guy A better laa, so he wants me to really becareful.... Listening to all these.... In my head dah mcm2 possibilities yg I pikir boleh berlaku. Considering things that had happened back then, Memanglah I lagi rasa nak escape.....! But how....? I was sooo stuck.....

Thus the break up story.

I had finished my PMR papers - I don't have to go to school anymore. So one night there was this call from him. At that time I was studying for MRSM exam the next day. Chit chat chit chat baik2 at first. Pastu he told me things that pisses me off la... I know it wasn't intentionally. About his friends tak paham why he couple with me (tak couple pown =.=), kutuk2 I budak mentah and macam2 lagi, saying there's soo many beautiful female seniors his age yg minat die, so kenapa pilih I jugak....... I mmg pissed off laa.....

Dalam hati, "Hamek la die kakak kakak, daripada nak pandang hina kat I slalu.. Ingat I tak nampak ke? I buat bodoh je. Malas nak layan arguments kanak2 ni.... I don't even deserve this crap that has been going on..."

It's him who was causing all of this commotion so why am I getting the blame?

Lepas die habes bercakap....

I straight away said, "So kita break up je la..." My words were so simple. But he was literally shocked as hell, and giler gelabah.

He wants me to give him time, and I did...

But when he wants me to think over about us, I am sorry...

There was never us from the very beginning...

But because I knew that I don't have to see him anymore, I feel like the courage to end it was finally in me. Finally I am free... It was the right moment to end it.

But that was what I thought.

I have to give credits for his efforts though...

I left him few months (or weeks) before SPM.

Okayla, that was harsh, I know. 

But if I didn't take that chance back then, who knows when rite?!

He still didn't give up. He kept trying to contact me... Sometimes I layan, sometimes ignore.

At the same time I dapat peluang pindah sekolah SBP the next year, and somehow my mom asks me to change hp number. I only give my new number to close friends...

It was pure coincidence, I didn't plan me 'leaving' to be like that. But I guess Allah is always fair. Allah had prepared me for this moment.

Guy A still tried to contact me, but since I change number, he takdapat la...

So, time dia pergi amek result SPM (i dah pindah), he literally carik kawan2 I & asked each of my close friends where are my whereabouts, what's my new number, my house, I sekolah mana, even friendster account I ape..... perghh..... STALKER or PSYCHO much.....!

But I am thankful to my friends for not disclosing anything...

Though they don't know the real story, they actually thought I was the 'bad' one in the relationship, so some blamed it on me. But, they still helped me, tue yg penting...

Guy A wanted to make me jealous by coupling with one of my friends... But my friend disagree... I guess they finally realised that he is a psycho.....

Astaghfirullahalazim......

Tak baik mengutuk...... 

Thus itulah kisahnya....

I think I have to really explain my first relationship clearly cause people kept blaming me...

Ever since that day, all my relationships somehow didn't work.... =P

Maybe karma? hahaha~

And ever since I met him, I have constantly met soo many people with his name in different places being part of my life... What the heck?!

Anyway, baru cerita pasal Guy A dah menjela... hahaha~

Truth be said, now I actually wanted to see him again, to apologize.

On my part I think the way I cutoff with him was kinda mean...

I am truly sorry for being such a jerk. =)

But I have learn a lot throughout the process...

The Jerk. Part 1.

WHY CAN'T THE WORLD UNDERSTAND THAT I SUCK IN RELATIONSHIPS.....?

~~ Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaha ~~~

Chill... Nope. I'm not really 'that' depress over relationship stuffs. Just to get my mind off things that I'm facing currently. Why not I just talk bout sumthin' I love to talk about... Boys, relationships, yea, those kind of things... haha~

Yes. The past week has been depressing. I've been crying endlessly for the past four or five days. I wish to share the problems I'm facing. But because I am scared that someone would or might Google it to find my connection, I don't want to get into trouble. Stay as low profile as possible...

Yes. It is that serious... The problem I mean. 

I will tell you this though, and this only, My family isn't normal.

So I guess people should just expect that my Life isn't that normal anyway...

Well, what you don't know won't hurt ya, kay!

Just pray that my family & I have enough strength to face this together.

What I need most is prayers that we'll be ok. And endless support...

Thanks so much for those who was worried bout me.

I'll be fine. (I hope.) I need strength, that's all. =)

Okay. Boys. Relationship. What the heck?!

Few days ago my friends & I were chit chatting bout this issue.

Actually there were only the three of us.

First point, I have 15 very very dear girlfriends in UIA. Really dear.

Including me would be 16.

3 or 4 of us are taken.

1 or 2 of us, just recently got single.

Well, the remaining, kinda, ya, single. Yup, INCLUDING me. hahaha~

I mean, some of us, are just so Not into relationships.

Some of us are, well, just single. Don't know why... Yup, INCLUDING me. =P

I dunno whether it's a Fourth year - Graduation thingie, but lately the Singles are getting kinda depressed. Many people say that "Carilah someone dekat Universiti. Once you leave susah nak carik. It's too late. So hard to find la...." Macam-macam.

I dunno. I think I got absorbed into it as well. haha~

Want to know why?

(1) I really envy my friend Husna that I blogged about on my previous post, my friend yang my age, but already married, and currently raising a very super adorably cute daughter, Salsabila. WOW. Super envy, jealous sangat I pown rasa macam nak kahwin. hahaha~ Her husband also seem really sweet, what else can I wish for right? I wish korg berdua kekal bahagia hingga akhir hayat.... hehe~

- And the part where I don't want my children jarak umur jauh sangat. But, trust me. I am kinda gonna shut down that dream now. Seem impossible je..... Haiiirhh.... Seriously depressing.....

(2) People keep bugging me "Bila nak ada boyfriend?" as well. Especially everytime jumpa orang yg dah lama tak jumpe... Itu sudah menjadi soalan wajib. (I have that period where my mom was kinda worried that I have no feelings towards the opposite gender, she actually asked me to find one, time first year kat UIA Gombak - which actually masa tu I was kinda mmg in a special thing with someone, but since I didn't bragged bout it, oh well. LOL.)

- Well, TO GET THINGS STRAIGHT. I AM STRAIGHT. I don't find the same gender any amusing. Sebenarnya aku ni mmg gatal. Cuma tak show je depan family. Kawan2 I kenal sgt laa kegatalan I ni... hahaha.... Gatal gurau2 je. Giler hape nak menggedik2 in public. SOO NOT ME MAAN.... Anyway, lately I am more open to my family, so slowly they got to know the real me that I've been hiding all these while. ;)

(3) Because I dislike some of my cousins for going out with a married man. I still Love them as my cousins. But to me, growing up from a broken family, I know how it feels like. IT SUCKS. So I always wish they would find someone waaay better. 

- Never destroy other people's life. Seriously. You won't be happy at all. I preach things I have been through, ya know. =)

- And No. I know my cousins. They are not the types who's after money or anything. They just want love. Since they are reaching 30 really soon, somehow they have gotten desperate. I mean, I totally understand being in that position. But I just wish, just wish they would gain their confidence back, and open their eyes to more chances, rather than being easily hooked to men who sees them as a vulnerable target. I am being harsh right. First off, if a married man is having an affair, isn't that an obvious sign that he would do the SAME thing to you just like what he's doing to his wife...? Hello, wake up call!
- And pity the children. Really. When I was born, my dad was literally having an affair, so look at how screwed up I have become if you need to know what it's like? 

...Okay, so don't destroy marriages. Alah, orang lain punya boyfriend, tunang, whatever, takyah kacau lah~
...Bomoh2 orang pown takyah lah.. Ingat MATI beb. Kita hidup sementara sahaja. =)

(4) Sebab aku nak sangat ada a permanent half yang capable of taking care of me. I SUCK at taking care of myself. I sometimes felt so burdened with my life, that I always feel like wanting to run away. I just wish there was someone really dear beside me as a support. Someone with a perspective, to get my mind off things. Tue je... If I kahwin, orang takde nak 'control' hidup I sangat. heh heh heh~
- BUT, at the same time I wish I marry the right man. Sheesh. Marriage stuffs are No kidding man. Yes, aku memang ada problem dengan commitment sikit. I have grown up with a fair share of single moms, single aunties, divorced cousins, awesome mothers but lousy husbands, scary mother-in-laws...
So blame me for being scared... Don't even get me started with scary mother-in-laws.. in my family, they are the ones who causes divorce... I don't understand what's their problem, seriously...
- The main thing is to save me from all this burden... I just want the support of an outside person (whom I will love with all my heart. ceh~), other than my close family je... I know my husband & child(ren) will be the most important thing in my life.
Insya-Allah... =)

(5) Because I want to prove to everyone that I am not always the 'Heartbreaker' (or you can call it 'the jerk'). I want to explain that for all the failed relationships, I have my reasons. And I want to convinced everyone that I don't really owned 'a heart of steel' like some people thought. I have been through many heartbreaking moments in a relationship as well. Just that, I covered it up quite well all these while. =)


Thus, those things will be share in Part 2. haha~
Finally I feel like talking bout this kind of things. I think I'm just over this the scared-of-relationships phase by a bit... I need to prepare myself to get over it, and grow up.

MY ONLY WISH IS THAT....
I wish that the people who I am gonna talk about won't even have the chance in the world to find my blog and read bout these two posts.... hahaha~
I am seriously scared as hell!!!

But on the bright side, I was never the type who dig & share too deeply bout my private life in the  first place. heh. I will share a fair share of stories, at the same time, I rather this people remain anonymous, and stays in my memories only, regarding bout those special times spent together.... hehehe~